To make Sadie conscious of her weight or not. That is the question. For you and I, to have been made "conscious" of being overweight as children or teens meant nothing but pain and misery and a sense of failure. But I do think there's a way to help a child become aware of a weight problem that is constructive and not destructive. It's absolutely one thing I would do differently if I could do it all over again and go back to when "Matthew" was about nine years old.
That's around the age when he first asked me if he was fat. Poor kid was looking for a straight answer and my answer was two tenths Yes and eight tenths Don't Let Anyone ever tell you You're Anything Less than Perfect, my Precious Child! How confusing. For one thing, he already felt great about himself. We had done a good job with that. He just wanted to know if he was fat, because he was starting to get feedback.
If I could go back, I think I would do exactly what you're thinking of doing and show Matthew a chart or enter the information on the CDC BMI calculator and look at the results with him so that he could see that, yes, objectively, he is overweight. I seriously doubt he would have spent the rest of the evening crying into his pillow. He just isn't that kind of kid. Plus, he likes science, and this is science.
It's also sociology. Kids are way heavier now than they used to be. According to the book they gave us at the family workshop at the Wellspring camp, the reasons for obesity are biological, environmental, and behavioral. Both the diet and activity environment for kids has changed tremendously since we were kids. I remember going to McDonalds in California, yes, but the portions were way smaller then. I had to walk to school. All the kids were outside playing in the neighborhood, all the time. We rode our bikes. Matthew would understand that and perhaps even be fascinated by the differences and the reasons for them. As for biology, it's just not fair that Matthew tends to gain weight while his sister does not (or not as much) and that his friends can eat whatever they want and they're little beanpoles. But them's the brakes - he inherited the chubby. I would also explain to him that it's behavior, it's the choices we make on a day-to- day basis, and that's the area we are going to change. And then I would make a plan with him.
When he was that age (and maybe younger) the pediatrician suggested that we let him grow into his weight, that we try to keep him from gaining weight for a year or two. I think that was good advice, but I think I would have taken it much, much more seriously. For Matthew to grow into his weight now, even after the weight loss, he'd have to gain nothing for about 6 more inches of growth!
So I would have: allowed him to see that yes, like many children these days, he is overweight. I would have committed to working on it with him, and would have made a very specific plan with him. It would have involved weekly weigh-ins, to make sure he wasn't gaining weight. (This would have seemed extreme to me back then, as I saw the scale as a cruel self esteem buster) And I would have started an all-out family lifestyle makeover involving regular exercise and lowfat diets.
I believe that if I had known to do that, we wouldn't be where we are. It's going to be a challenge for Matthew to maintain the weight loss at this point, much less lose more. If you decide to talk to Sadie, let me know how it goes.
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It has taken me a couple of days to get through this entry -- because of the "Mom, am I fat" header and because of the second paragraph. That deep 'wince' of how much you LOVE THIS KID...THIS kid, for all they are, and all they will grow into. Thanks for sharing that feeling. I get it. I want to protect her and help the world see how great she is (which, by the way, they do see...)
I will talk with her soon and I'll let you know. She is asking for feedback and my response is confusing. She just wants an anchor, a railing, a mom.
A quick update: We are finding the "I'm a 10" tool very helpful in creating awareness around the entire table. It has given me a better understanding of Callie's high-metabolism and need to eat literally every 90 minutes. And it's given Sadie a way to think about that second helping, last bite. I've witnessed her say "I'm a 10" and look at the last pancake she put on her plate -- and leave it there. Without me saying a word. Empowering her.
I also thank you for your insight on your child's asking for a straight answer. This one has really stuck with me. Sadie looked at her dance studio picture this week and said "I'm chubby." The "before blogging with Kelly" me would have said "no you aren't, you are beautiful!" But we just used it as an opportunity to talk about what she saw, what she feels.
In passing, I've introduced the BMI scale and that it is something we can look at to see "healthy" weight vs. non-healthy. But we haven't sat down and done it yet. Oh, and she asked for a scale in our house, which we haven't had for years. Thank you for giving me a place to talk about this!
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